Musical Wanderer

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced new changes to the world's maps. The nations of the Caucuses will have new names that President Trump has used on several occasions during his term. Armenia will be named Albania and Azerbaijan will by named Aberbaijan. This is a follow up to the renaming of the Gulf of America earlier in President Trump's second term. The Press Secretary cautioned that any producer of maps which does not adopt the new guidelines will lose all government contracts and be investigated by FBI for any possible improprieties. Google Maps has announced it is in the process of altering its software to incorporate the changes. News organizations which do not adopt the new guidelines will lose licenses and face prosecution by DoJ. Sources from ABC and CBS say that the new guidelines will be followed effective today, thanking the White House for the clarification of the century old nations' names. Officials in Tirane, the capital of the nat...

"What's wrong with us?" wondered Rick Jones. "I mean, we're all white, we have great wardrobes, we've demonstrated that we will say anything, no matter how ridiculous, on camera with an aura of assured certainty." Looking out the office window with a forlorn glance, Jones struggled to hold back a tear. "What more do I have to do?" Lance Chambers, when asked to comment on the lack of invitations from the White House to serve the President, refreshed his email feed on his laptop to see if there was an email from the White House. Seeing none, he slammed his laptop shut, started to speak, but then turned away. Particularly crushed by the lack of interest is Julie Armstrong Featherington. "Not a word from the White House. And I'd be perfect for a major post. I have great legs, I'm skinny, my pouty lips don't need even botox...I'm a natural blonde for Chrissake," she said as she stormed from the office. When contacted...

You see them everyday.  Waiting for an Uber, at the center of a crowd in bars and restaurants, at the market.  They are different. They are DC's perfect people.  Well pedigreed, charming, successful, they are a breed apart.  They are truly America's aristocracy, the people who the MAGA folks resent, the folks who can't help but win. But who are they really?  A little bit of research found the following data on the folks who are now everywhere in town, even your favorite breakfast place, hardware store, or Mexican restaurant. 1. When they were conceived, their dad used only one sperm, he was that confident. 2.  They were born preloaded with 1000 friends on facebook, perfect SAT scores, and genes for phenomenal future tits and penises. 3.  As infants and toddlers, they never cried, never puked, always slept soundly.  Managed their portfolios well too. 4.  Steve Jobs sent them their first Mac laptops. 5.  Entry into preschool...

Vatican City - February 13, 2018 In an effort to combine the penance of the first day of Lent with the sentiment of love associated with Valentine's Day, Pope Francis has asked the College of Cardinals to encourage clergy around the world to change the design of the imposition of ashes tomorrow from a cross to a heart.  "I hope this will remind people both of the brevity of live and the love of God," said the pontiff. Pope Francis's new ash imposition design People were receptive to the change.  Some were reported to be canceling dinner plans to get the new design of ashes.  "I'm glad the church is getting with the times.  Several hundred years of the same thing was getting old," said Maria Torres of Sacramento, CA.  The change was reported to be well received by Unitarians, who found the traditional iconography of the cross to be not inclusive of non-Christian faith traditions. Response of clergy was mixed.  "It will be like I'm givin...

One of the current viral hits on the internet is Dana McLendon's ”Universal Hot Crazy Matrix: A Man's Guide to Women.”  It's popular with guys.  My sister-in-law sent a link to me, thinking I'd find it funny.  It was mildly funny, especially if you saw it in the 60s.  He sells t-shirts with his graph printed on it, the wearing of which is an effective form of birth control as no woman would let a man wearing it anywhere near her. His presentation, though pithy, is a poor substitute for science or statistics for a number of reasons: it's based upon McLendon's 40-something years in Tennessee, not very exhaustive research.  I spent several years in the state, where I found not a lot of hot but lots of crazy, so his sample size is restricted and distorted. it includes unicorns on the graph, and despite their appearances in Harry Potter novels and tacky gift shops, they have no basis in fact. it includes trannies on a graph of w...

"Whew, dodged that bullet," thought Elaine as the bus pulled away from the bus stop.  "Carl was handsome but I'm glad I didn't go down the aisle with a frat boy lawyer like mom.  It was hilarious with everyone cursing and Ben pulling us out of there.  Especially when Ben jammed the cross in the door." "That was great," thought Ben.  "I can't believe I body-checked Carl like that.  It was fun swinging the cross about like Excalibur.  Funny trapping everyone in the church with a cross.  Good thing I had change for the bus." "I can't wait to get out of this damn dress, it's too small," thought Elaine, "I didn't want to get married but my parents rushed us down here.  I want to go back to Berkeley and finish the semester.  'Not gonna drop out like mom.  But dang, I have an exam Monday and I didn't bring my books or notes.  Maybe Ben can drive us back.  Wait, where is his convertible?" ...

The as yet unnamed son of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge has already racked up an impressive list of accomplishments.  Though the future royal heir will not likely assume the throne for a few decades after his grandfather and father serve as King of the Realm, in his first few hours he has been busy: he inspired researchers in laboratories around the world to think a little harder and thus find cures for several fatal forms of cancer, unified field equations combining the basic forces of the universes, and, best of all, an explanation of why a cat purrs he encouraged Pakistanis and Indians to join in a great conga line of over a billion people snaking across the South Asian subcontinent in celebration of the birth of a future king of the nation that oppressed their forefathers for over a century but gave them the English language, flush toilets, and toilet paper to clog them he led an expedition to Mars to create a new empire which the British can be proud of again an...

Another thing I wrote years ago that I found on my computer   California surfers and sun bunnies were startled on Tuesday as several warships flying the Chinese flag approached the shore, well within American territorial waters. While on maneuvers in the Pacific Ocean, several ships of the Chinese Task Force veered off course from the rest of the ships practicing an invasion of Taiwan.  The errant ships failed to answer worried communications from their sister ships and from Chinese Naval Headquarters in Peking. Several ships from the US Navy were sent to intercept the Chinese ships, thought to be surveillance craft on spy missions similar to the US Navy reconnaissance aircraft that crashed on Chinese territory on Sunday.  Reports from the American vessels confirmed their actual mission. “They’re checking out the chicks,” was the simple explanation offered by Cmdr. William Johnston, captain of the USS Boise. “There are several secret radar stations twenty mil...

After the senate majority rejected background checks after yet another massacre this week, the NRA needs to search for a new challenge.  It may seem like a reach, but I have come up with their next seemingly impossible goal: legalization of the sale to the public of all military arms: machine guns, grenades, rocket launchers, tanks, and planes. Folks shopping for the family machine gun or armored car to take the kids to school At first one would say this is absurd, but there are reasonable points that can be made in its favor.  The Second Amendment reads as follows:  "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."  When the founding fathers wrote the Bill of Rights, the militia was armed with muskets and pistols.  Two hundred years later, the militia is known as the National Guard and it has machine guns, grenades, tanks, and aircraft.  It is...