The Non-Profit, the Tanning Booth, and the Mercedes-Benz.

No, this is not an attempt to parody C.S. Lewis by drawing together three disparate items into an allegorical children's story about sacrifice.  I work for non-profits, the first of the items above, and like all people and organizations, non-profits have to file a tax return.  For a 501(c)(3), the tax return is the IRS Form 990, in which the organization reports its income, expenses, and activities for the year.  Our auditor draws up our Form 990 as part of the annual audit.

I review the form to make certain all of our answers make sense, the numbers are reported correctly, and that all the board members' names are spelled correctly.  This year, I noticed an interesting question:

Tanning Booths?  Non-profits?  A 501(c)(3) is tax-exempt because it carries out worthwhile artistic, educational, or social programs.  I know there are a lot of strange things going on in creating the tax code.  But how do tanning booths mix with most non-profits?  Can you see a tanning booth in a school?  In an art museum?  In a women's shelter?

But this is DC, and there are thousands of lobbyists and lawyers willing to represent anyone's interests to congress and the rest of the government.  So there are probably spas out there that somehow get non-profit status and they demand tanning booths.  And there is probably now some lawyer driving around DC in a Mercedes-Benz bought with what he earned lobbying some congressman (perhaps the well-tanned John Boehner?  He does rent his apartment in DC from tanning booth lobbyists.  I wish I were kidding.) to put tanning booth language in non-profit tax forms.

Imagine the magical day.  The phone rings in a K Street office.  The call is patched by the secretary to the lawyer who had been funneling campaign cash and tanning booth coupons to congressmen for several years.  He learns the Form 990 will now have a question about tanning booths which will confuse and mystify accountants and non-profit finance directors for years to come but make his clients eternally grateful.  His secretary hears a "WhooHoo!" from his office after he hangs up.  He immediately calls the American Suntanning Association and the Indoor Tanning Association--yes, there are TWO organizations out there representing the tanning industry's interest with the government--to tell them the big news and demand a bonus.  He gets his bonus and heads out to the Mercedes-Benz dealership to celebrate.

An alternative tale may have some lobbyist with a track record of selling oil to Texas Congressmen and sand to Utah senators.  He makes a bet with colleagues at happy hour in a downtown bar:  "I can get my contacts on Capitol Hill to push through any crazy regulation, um, um, how about language on tanning booths for non-profits?  If I can pull it off, you buy me a Mercedes-Benz.  If I can't, I buy you a Mercedes-Benz."  His colleagues snort martinis through their noses at this and say "You're on!"  The rest is accounting history.

Apologies to C.S. Lewis for any confusion here with his masterwork, though I would like to see an updated Aslan in a tanning bed or a Mercedes-Benz convertible.