26 Possible Facts about DC's Perfect People
You see them everyday. Waiting for an Uber, at the center of a crowd in bars and restaurants, at the market. They are different.
They are DC's perfect people. Well pedigreed, charming, successful, they are a breed apart. They are truly America's aristocracy, the people who the MAGA folks resent, the folks who can't help but win. But who are they really? A little bit of research found the following data on the folks who are now everywhere in town, even your favorite breakfast place, hardware store, or Mexican restaurant.
1. When they were conceived, their dad used only one sperm, he was that confident.
2. They were born preloaded with 1000 friends on facebook, perfect SAT scores, and genes for phenomenal future tits and penises.
3. As infants and toddlers, they never cried, never puked, always slept soundly. Managed their portfolios well too.
4. Steve Jobs sent them their first Mac laptops.
5. Entry into preschool was easy as they were already trilingual: English from their parents, Swedish from their nannies, and Italian from the chef at their aunt's house in Tuscany every summer.
6. Their teachers received report cards from them.
7. When other kids were lined up at bookstores to buy the latest Harry Potter book at midnight, they were at home reading copies J. K. Rowling had fedexed them, signed "Thanks for the tips on Hermoine and time travel. XXOO JK"
8. Their English homework in elementary school was reviewed in The New Yorker.
9. Their middle school science fair projects were written up in Scientific American.
10. There were no orthodontists in their neighborhoods because everyone had perfect teeth.
11. In adolescence, they never had a zit. Never had an awkward moment. Their wet dreams were directed by Ridley Scott.
12. The college admissions process was not a concern for them, as they received early admission acceptance letters from Harvard, Princeton, and Stanford for the fall after their senior year when they were six.
13. When they had sex for the first time as teenagers, they were AMAZING. As they've gotten older they still are, according to their interns. For them E.D. stands for "extra doctorate."
14. In college, professors would register for classes with them and ask them to help them with their research, "This muon is tricky, can you take a look?"
15. In college, "The Freshman 10" was the term people used to describe them.
16. The Smithsonian, Brookings Institution, and Discovery Channel all signed up with summer internships with them.
17. The staff in the dining hall would sometimes whip something special just for them using their aunt's Tuscan chef's recipe.
18. They never bothered with safe sex as no one they had contact with would ever have any sort of venereal disease and the women's eggs wouldn't dream of becoming fertilized before she had finished her master's.
19. When they graduated, colleges established scholarships in their honor to complement the buildings donated by their parents.
19. Their bodies are already perfect so they hire people to run and work out for them.
20. People sit in bars, staring blankly into the distance, contemplating the time they spoke to them in class, at the office, in line at Trader Joe's.
21. Brooks Brothers and J. Crew send photographers to the streets to take surreptitious photos of them to include in catalogs.
22. Condos on 14th Street give them deposits to move in.
23. Charities offer them tables at their galas.
24. When the editorial team at the Washington Post starts planning the Sunday editorial page, they begin by offering them space.
25. When they get married, the only big questions are which bishop will officiate, which island will they have it on, and which aunt's Tuscan chef will cater it.
26. When their children are born, the maternity room staff retires.
Return to the top and repeat.
They are DC's perfect people. Well pedigreed, charming, successful, they are a breed apart. They are truly America's aristocracy, the people who the MAGA folks resent, the folks who can't help but win. But who are they really? A little bit of research found the following data on the folks who are now everywhere in town, even your favorite breakfast place, hardware store, or Mexican restaurant.
1. When they were conceived, their dad used only one sperm, he was that confident.
2. They were born preloaded with 1000 friends on facebook, perfect SAT scores, and genes for phenomenal future tits and penises.
3. As infants and toddlers, they never cried, never puked, always slept soundly. Managed their portfolios well too.
4. Steve Jobs sent them their first Mac laptops.
5. Entry into preschool was easy as they were already trilingual: English from their parents, Swedish from their nannies, and Italian from the chef at their aunt's house in Tuscany every summer.
6. Their teachers received report cards from them.
7. When other kids were lined up at bookstores to buy the latest Harry Potter book at midnight, they were at home reading copies J. K. Rowling had fedexed them, signed "Thanks for the tips on Hermoine and time travel. XXOO JK"
8. Their English homework in elementary school was reviewed in The New Yorker.
9. Their middle school science fair projects were written up in Scientific American.
10. There were no orthodontists in their neighborhoods because everyone had perfect teeth.
11. In adolescence, they never had a zit. Never had an awkward moment. Their wet dreams were directed by Ridley Scott.
12. The college admissions process was not a concern for them, as they received early admission acceptance letters from Harvard, Princeton, and Stanford for the fall after their senior year when they were six.
13. When they had sex for the first time as teenagers, they were AMAZING. As they've gotten older they still are, according to their interns. For them E.D. stands for "extra doctorate."
14. In college, professors would register for classes with them and ask them to help them with their research, "This muon is tricky, can you take a look?"
15. In college, "The Freshman 10" was the term people used to describe them.
16. The Smithsonian, Brookings Institution, and Discovery Channel all signed up with summer internships with them.
17. The staff in the dining hall would sometimes whip something special just for them using their aunt's Tuscan chef's recipe.
18. They never bothered with safe sex as no one they had contact with would ever have any sort of venereal disease and the women's eggs wouldn't dream of becoming fertilized before she had finished her master's.
19. When they graduated, colleges established scholarships in their honor to complement the buildings donated by their parents.
19. Their bodies are already perfect so they hire people to run and work out for them.
20. People sit in bars, staring blankly into the distance, contemplating the time they spoke to them in class, at the office, in line at Trader Joe's.
21. Brooks Brothers and J. Crew send photographers to the streets to take surreptitious photos of them to include in catalogs.
22. Condos on 14th Street give them deposits to move in.
23. Charities offer them tables at their galas.
24. When the editorial team at the Washington Post starts planning the Sunday editorial page, they begin by offering them space.
25. When they get married, the only big questions are which bishop will officiate, which island will they have it on, and which aunt's Tuscan chef will cater it.
26. When their children are born, the maternity room staff retires.
Return to the top and repeat.
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